Adventures in Fat Sucking

From One of Our latest Clients, Stefanie Wilder Taylor:

Cohost Of The Parent Experiment And Author Of Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay.

I got a little laser lipo on my thighs. There I said it. That happened. Let me back up and tell you the whole story before your judgments go all haywire and you think I’m auditioning as a new cast member of Real Housewives of the OC or doing marketing for a new line of adult Bratz dolls. I’m not people! Jeez get off my back! Sorry, that’s just my constrictive undergarment talking. Let me explain.

While working at The Parent Experiment my producer Kathee told me that this company Final Inches wanted to advertise with us and were offering us a procedure. So Kathee was all over having it done, to the tune of “There is a God!” She was ready to have what she calls her “nana arms” trimmed down post haste. I, on the other hand, was horrified.

I was horrified at the idea of doing something that seemed drastic to change my appearance which I felt for the most part was just fine thankyouverymuch. Also, I’ve seen shows like “The Swan” which take perfectly attractive women and turn them into space aliens, if space aliens were made entirely out of silicone and filler.

But, Kathee had talked to other women who had had this procedure done and she was all about it. “They don’t put you under! It’s so simple. The cannula is the size of a paperclip!” she was all about it.

I was not reassured that this was so simple. But truth be told, my saddle bags immediately came to mind when I thought of fat suckage. The saddle bags I lovingly refer to as my Muffin Bottom. I’ve gotten used to Muffin Bottom because no matter what weight I’m at or what shape I’m in, Muffin Bottom is still there.

I grew up plagued with self esteem issues and shame about the size of my ass and other body parts (who isn’t) but as I’ve grown older I’ve become much less concerned. I mean at a certain point, you just have to accept your shape and how miraculous the female body is and what it’s built for. I’m never going to become a walking Ani DiFranco song full of female empowerment and flipping a giant middle finger to our culture’s obsession with boyish hips; but I’m also never going to become obsessed with having a flawless body and find myself addicted to cosmetic procedures which I will mysteriously refer to as “natural enhancement.” I don’t even like perfect. Perfect is boring. And a lot of work. I’m lazy. I like to work about but not every week! Really, I’m never going to work out more than four times a week and even that’s a perfect week where no one is sick, there are no random school holidays (or worse “administration days” how many days do preschool teachers need to get their shit together?).

“Just have a consult,” Kathee said. “If you don’t want to do it, don’t.”

So since I’m not looking for perfection in myself or anyone else why would I even go on the consult right?

I went on the consult. Well Lynette Carolla (my cohost on Parent Experiment) went with me. She got sucked into doing it too (pun intended).

This little Asian firecracker of a female doctor, a surgeon by the name of Dr. Ngo, was the one who saw me. She took a look at my rear and showed me the pockets of fat that could be removed. I’m going to admit right now that checking out my ass in front of a mirror with someone else looking at it in bright daylight was probably not going to make me say, “You know what? I think I’m looking pretty hawt as is. I hate to cut this consult short but I need to go buy a thong bikini and time’s a wasting!” I think this is how they get you! Truthfully, I felt extremely comfortable talking to Dr. Ngo. I never got the feeling that she thought I should or shouldn’t do anything.

She basically just explained what I could and couldn’t expect from a treatment like this. I couldn’t expect to suddenly have the ass of a young Thai boy. I couldn’t expect that the skin on my legs which is loose from having had two pregnancies one with twins would suddenly look better unless I did something

more drastic (which I will obviously never do) but I would look better and I could greatly reduce my “outer thighs” which she refused to join me in calling Muffin Bottom.

I went home and promptly decided that I wasn’t going to do it. It wasn’t worth it. Why would I have a procedure to remove fat from my body, fat that I’d lived with this long, why not go the rest of the way with it?

Then a day or so later I changed my mind again. Why should I go through the rest of life with those bags if I didn’t have to? Since I’d had the consult, I knew the procedure wasn’t risky, was quick and I could get back to the work of taking care of the kids and sitting at my computer the same day. So I booked my appointment.

The bottom line is all moral opposition aside, I’m just a normal woman who doesn’t and has never celebrated my goddamned saddle bags. Having a big butt is one thing and that will never change (at the consult they said my butt would look bigger without the side car –okay not in those words but come on). Black men will continue to be mesmerized by the size of my booty but I will get to privately know that I don’t have those unsightly bulges of fat that I worked so hard to disguise. I won’t have to wear an old lady skirt with my bathing suits.

It’s been a week and a half and I’m not even the least bit sore anymore. I was bruised but that’s almost gone and I can go back to the gym tomorrow if I want (I’m going to pretend they didn’t tell me that for a few more days).

I know, I know you want pictures and I will put them up against my better judgment but I have to wait another couple of weeks for the swelling to go down completely and I can see exactly how different it looks.

For now though, if you’re into something like this, you can go to their site at www.finalinches.com and check it out. If you tell them I sent you, you will get a thousand dollars off.

Gotta go watch Real Housewives. We have so much more in common now!

Please stay tuned and follow  Stefanie and other clients as they blog about their adventures in laser liposuction/liposculpting at Final Inches.

If you are considering a laser liposculpture procedure, we’d like to schedule a free, no obligation consultation with you to discuss the process, your goals and answer your questions. To do so, you can fill out our form on FinalInches.com, or call our staff at 866-96-FINAL. We look forward to hearing from you!